If you read my last couple of posts, you know that life in the big city hasn’t exactly been going swimmingly lately.
As a person, I find myself pretty tough and mature 90% of the time. Unfortunately, that still leaves about 10% emotional train wreck.
There are a lot of people in my life who never see that part of me. When it comes out, they don’t really get it. It doesn’t make sense with the person they know me to be, and they don’t know how to handle it. It’s difficult for me to control, too.
When I went through a full three months of that 10% emotional train wreck during my annulment, I lost some people along the way. It was hard, and it was sad.
Right now, New York City and I are in a similar fight.
A week ago, I thought I had really made something for myself here. I loved my job, I was spending a lot of time with a cool group of friends, and I was starting to feel settled.
After this whole breakup thing, I realize that I was doing things wrong.
I spent a lot of time and energy investing into a group of friends that I was brought into. I loved spending time around them so much that it’s pretty much all I did. So when things got rough with that boy (a crucial member of that group), it was easy to feel like I had lost everything at once.
Looking back a couple of days later, I don’t think I’ve really lost them. But at the time, it was very, very easy for 10% emotional train wreck Laura to… well, be an emotional train wreck about it.
All of my settledness felt unsettled, and it was scary. It almost made me want to pack up and move to a different city. Not enough to actually do it… just enough to think about what it would be like.
I need to rebuild my life here, and go a different direction. Not leaving behind those friends, or starting from scratch like I did after my annulment. I really care about those people, and this doesn’t make them mean any less to me.
I am just understanding that I need to build something for myself. I’ve met some really awesome people in this city who I never spent enough time with before, because I was investing so much in one place. Maybe it’s time to fix that.
When I broke up with my ex-husband, I was 1,000 times more devastated than I am now. I had no hope for the future, and no vision of what a life without him could be like. I had already lived in Austin for almost a year, and I didn’t know how to start over in the same place.
Then, I met these girls.
Here were these new friends who met me during my absolute most selfish, ridiculous point in life. These people who loved me and brought out the best in me, even in the worst of times. And I didn’t think it was possible, but they brought me back to life. Austin didn’t really start until I met them.
When I think about making some adjustments here, I think about how blissfully amazing my life in Austin became after I had lost all hope. And I know that with a little bit of patience, adjustments, and maybe even a brief return to some happy pills, I can do this. It can get better. It’s going to be okay.