• The Rebuild

    by  • June 16, 2013 • Divorce & Break-Ups • 4 Comments

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    If you read my last couple of posts, you know that life in the big city hasn’t exactly been going swimmingly lately.

    As a person, I find myself pretty tough and mature 90% of the time. Unfortunately, that still leaves about 10% emotional train wreck.

    There are a lot of people in my life who never see that part of me. When it comes out, they don’t really get it. It doesn’t make sense with the person they know me to be, and they don’t know how to handle it. It’s difficult for me to control, too.

    When I went through a full three months of that 10% emotional train wreck during my annulment, I lost some people along the way. It was hard, and it was sad.

    Right now, New York City and I are in a similar fight.

    A week ago, I thought I had really made something for myself here. I loved my job, I was spending a lot of time with a cool group of friends, and I was starting to feel settled.

    After this whole breakup thing, I realize that I was doing things wrong.

    I spent a lot of time and energy investing into a group of friends that I was brought into. I loved spending time around them so much that it’s pretty much all I did. So when things got rough with that boy (a crucial member of that group), it was easy to feel like I had lost everything at once.

    Looking back a couple of days later, I don’t think I’ve really lost them. But at the time, it was very, very easy for 10% emotional train wreck Laura to… well, be an emotional train wreck about it.

    All of my settledness felt unsettled, and it was scary. It almost made me want to pack up and move to a different city. Not enough to actually do it… just enough to think about what it would be like.

    I need to rebuild my life here, and go a different direction. Not leaving behind those friends, or starting from scratch like I did after my annulment. I really care about those people, and this doesn’t make them mean any less to me.

    I am just understanding that I need to build something for myself. I’ve met some really awesome people in this city who I never spent enough time with before, because I was investing so much in one place. Maybe it’s time to fix that.

    When I broke up with my ex-husband, I was 1,000 times more devastated than I am now. I had no hope for the future, and no vision of what a life without him could be like. I had already lived in Austin for almost a year, and I didn’t know how to start over in the same place.

    Then, I met these girls.

    Edited-

    Here were these new friends who met me during my absolute most selfish, ridiculous point in life. These people who loved me and brought out the best in me, even in the worst of times. And I didn’t think it was possible, but they brought me back to life. Austin didn’t really start until I met them.

    When I think about making some adjustments here, I think about how blissfully amazing my life in Austin became after I had lost all hope. And I know that with a little bit of patience, adjustments, and maybe even a brief return to some happy pills, I can do this. It can get better. It’s going to be okay.

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    I'm a 25-year-old ex-wife who spends most of her time cooking and chasing silly men around.

    4 Responses to The Rebuild

    1. June 17, 2013 at 12:10 am

      I sometimes think being that person who is pretty tough and mature 90% of the time makes dealing with that 10% of the time when you’re a train wreck so much harder. If you were crazy at least 50% of the time, then you’d be recognizable to yourself and to those around you and they’d go “Oh well, she’s just being a Lindy* again”. (*not a real person) That is what I’m struggling with anyway. Being unrecognizable to myself, but also very, very worried that I’ll never get back to the happy person I used to know. Thank you for sharing your journey. X

    2. Chanief
      June 17, 2013 at 11:58 am

      Being positive never hurts. The knowledge that you’ve come through worse and been happy again is a wonderful tool – one which helps me when the times get tough (never as tough as my post divorce meltdown. If I got through that I can get through anything!) I hope the rebuilding happens sooner than you think it might!!

    3. Hayley
      June 18, 2013 at 3:43 pm

      It will get better. And you’re right – you will meet amazing people along the way. I went through a slightly similar experience over the past year and a half. Broke up with a boyfriend, moved cities, started a ridiculously stressful and challenging job. But along the way I met the most amazing group of friends. And I didn’t even realize it until later. I firmly believe that life is planting little blessings along the way, especially at these really shitty times.

      And, if you need to hang out with new faces, there are probably many of us (myself) included, who live in NYC!

    4. June 22, 2013 at 9:04 am

      Love your honesty. All you’re experiencing is life. The more you go through the tough stuff the better you get, the stronger you get, and eventually, you can look back and see why things happen the way they do.

      If you’re sane 90% of the time, and only an emotional train wreck 10% of the time…I’d say you have a leg up on the rest of the world! ;)

      Have missed your blog, I’m playing catch up! ~ April

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