• The Breakup

    by  • June 14, 2013 • Divorce & Break-Ups • 11 Comments

    For the first time since my annulment, I have been seeing someone. I mean really seeing someone. Pizza delivery on a Monday night, walking the dogs together, toothbrush at my place seeing someone.

    He is sweet, and funny. He holds the umbrella above me in the rain, not caring whether he gets a little bit wet. He plays the guitar while I close my eyes and drift to sleep. He smothers the dogs with affection, and treats them like they are his own. I find myself helplessly in like.

    This week, we had a fight. It was our first one.

    I am still spinning to figure out where anything went wrong. We are compatible on almost every level, have incredible chemistry, and are blissfully happy spending time together. I went on thinking all that was enough, but I guess I was wrong.

    My greatest fear in life is that I will never find someone who knows me. Knows my strong points, knows my flaws – and loves me because of them.

    I thought I knew what it was like to be loved that way once, and I married that man because I knew I would never find it again. I was wrong, because as it turns out, he never loved me that way at all.

    I know it will be a long time before I find that all-consuming, trusting, forgiving kind of love. I have waited nearly two years to find someone I like enough to date for more than a couple of weeks. But now that I’ve found that person, he is already gone.

    You’re so pretty, and smart, and funny, and thoughtful, he tells me. You are everything I have ever looked for. Somehow, these words have become a consolation prize.

    After we talked last night, I stared at the coffee table where the shirt he left at my place is still sitting. It smells like him, and I wish it would disappear.

    I didn’t sleep at all. Netflix, doggy snuggles, sleeping pills, bath, more Netflix. No rest. My sweet pups have a sixth sense about these things. They smother me with affection and support. They refuse to move from my side – even to eat. It’s good that I have them.

    I throw away his toothbrush, and it all feels so final.

    You didn’t do anything wrong, he says. You have been nothing but incredible to me.

    This appears to be a trend.

    In the time since we started fighting, the city seems to have multiplied its count of public displays of affection. Everyone seems so romantically happy. So… not alone. I close my eyes and wonder why it can’t be me.

    Just this once.

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    I'm a 25-year-old ex-wife who spends most of her time cooking and chasing silly men around.

    11 Responses to The Breakup

    1. June 14, 2013 at 9:12 am

      I’m sure nothing that anyone says will actually make you feel better right now. But keep your chin up, hun. He’s out there somewhere.

    2. June 14, 2013 at 9:35 am

      You watch that Netflix, and snuggle your dogs, and eat copious amounts of sweets. Cry to your girlfriends. Because it’s not fair, and you’re amazing, and you have the right to be upset.

      But I know you will find the guy who does love all of you and sticks with you (even when you fight).


    3. June 14, 2013 at 10:00 am

      I totally hear you on this one – captured my feelings perfectly! “You’re everything I have been looking for – you’re incredible. I just can’t be in a relationship right now.” I totally have the same fear as you – will I ever find that kind of love?

    4. June 14, 2013 at 11:12 am

      Breakups are the worst, I am sorry for the tough times you’ve written of in your past two posts. However, I really enjoy your writing and hope to see more personal posts! I definitely relate to your dating struggles.

    5. Alena
      June 14, 2013 at 11:22 am

      I’m sorry and I totally feel you. I haven’t really even dated since my ex-husband left two years ago. It’s almost like I don’t think it’s possible to find someone and feel those feelings again. The prospect seems riddled with disappointment. But there is that tiny ounce of hope that I hold on to.

    6. Courtney
      June 14, 2013 at 5:38 pm

      It hurts so much… And I believe this may have been a divine appointment God brought to protect you. You are one step closer to finding your perfect relationship, but it doesn’t make it hurt any less. Breathe deeply and remember you are talented, beautiful and loved.

    7. Marybeth
      June 15, 2013 at 7:52 am

      I can’t help, but feel the same way as you. My ex left me without any notice last year for his coworker and now they are getting married in 3 weeks. I know what it’s like to feel like no one else could or would love you the way that person did, but someone will. I am struggling more now than I did last year. I guess the shock and numbness has worn off. Wish you lived in NH. I think we have a lot in common. Keep your head up!

    8. Chanief
      June 17, 2013 at 11:48 am

      I recently went through something so similar. It was the first one with real potential since my divorce three and a half years ago. I even let him briefly meet my kids who have never met a man I have dated since the divorce. Everything was amazing until that first fight. I had to end it with him because when he was upset he resorted to badgering, name calling, and cursing – behavior that is completely incompatible with my conflict resolution style. In some ways this breakup has been harder than ones before it because things went from being so good to being over in the space of 24 hours (usually things start to decline for a bit first.) The healing is happening though, I feel a little better every day and I wish the same for you.

    9. Adriana
      June 20, 2013 at 11:11 am

      Don’t give up on love. When you least expect it, he will appear and totally knock you off your feet. When it is meant to be it will be, you just have to believe that there is someone out there for you. I am sure that your right person is out there right now wondering when he will get to meet you.

    10. Nicole Thomas
      June 26, 2013 at 8:42 am

      I just entered onto this site and find your humor wisdom and creativity amazing!!!I can relate to the disappointment found in locating that perfect relationship or even friendship long term !!! It’s a scary world out there and we as women place our hearts on our sleeves and somewhat leave it exposed to be tampered with bruised or even worst broken by some & I emphasize some men because there is someone for everyone !!!The problem is that in meeting someone sometimes our goal is to fall in Immediate love when really we need immediate long-term goal for ourselves !! Building WONDERFUL Relationship self acceptance self love and happiness Within the skin Your in acceptance that your a fabulous person . Love & learn YOURSELF FIRST AND THAT MAN WILL COME SOON HAND PICKED BY GOD !!!!! Smoochies

    11. Russ
      July 28, 2013 at 11:00 am

      Hey there, I just found your blog and tried your egg-muffin thing…and love it!! But I just wanted to reply here and say, don’t sweat the small stuff. You are a single woman…revel in it, enjoy it and know that we men are going to frustrate the bejessus out of you even on the best day. So have a bit of fun!

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