For the first time since my annulment, I have been seeing someone. I mean really seeing someone. Pizza delivery on a Monday night, walking the dogs together, toothbrush at my place seeing someone.
He is sweet, and funny. He holds the umbrella above me in the rain, not caring whether he gets a little bit wet. He plays the guitar while I close my eyes and drift to sleep. He smothers the dogs with affection, and treats them like they are his own. I find myself helplessly in like.
This week, we had a fight. It was our first one.
I am still spinning to figure out where anything went wrong. We are compatible on almost every level, have incredible chemistry, and are blissfully happy spending time together. I went on thinking all that was enough, but I guess I was wrong.
My greatest fear in life is that I will never find someone who knows me. Knows my strong points, knows my flaws – and loves me because of them.
I thought I knew what it was like to be loved that way once, and I married that man because I knew I would never find it again. I was wrong, because as it turns out, he never loved me that way at all.
I know it will be a long time before I find that all-consuming, trusting, forgiving kind of love. I have waited nearly two years to find someone I like enough to date for more than a couple of weeks. But now that I’ve found that person, he is already gone.
You’re so pretty, and smart, and funny, and thoughtful, he tells me. You are everything I have ever looked for. Somehow, these words have become a consolation prize.
After we talked last night, I stared at the coffee table where the shirt he left at my place is still sitting. It smells like him, and I wish it would disappear.
I didn’t sleep at all. Netflix, doggy snuggles, sleeping pills, bath, more Netflix. No rest. My sweet pups have a sixth sense about these things. They smother me with affection and support. They refuse to move from my side – even to eat. It’s good that I have them.
I throw away his toothbrush, and it all feels so final.
You didn’t do anything wrong, he says. You have been nothing but incredible to me.
This appears to be a trend.
In the time since we started fighting, the city seems to have multiplied its count of public displays of affection. Everyone seems so romantically happy. So… not alone. I close my eyes and wonder why it can’t be me.
Just this once.