• Two.

    by  • March 5, 2013 • Cry, Divorce & Break-Ups, Love & Dating • 18 Comments

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    It was March 5, 2011. I was downstairs in a church, eating girl scout cookies in a white dress. You never think of girl scout cookies as something you would eat on your wedding day. But then, you never can predict how you might feel.

    For someone getting married, I was strangely at peace with my surroundings. Wiping the thin mint off my face. Dancing in the mirror as I re-applied my lip gloss. I somehow knew that there was nothing to worry about. Nothing to fear.

    Sometimes you think you just know.

    Sometimes you are wrong.

    It all fell apart four months later. At least for me it did. The reality is that the marriage I knew had never existed – and neither had the husband.

    As five years of lies unraveled, so did I. The downslope was harsher than anything I have ever felt, or hopefully ever will. Yet I cannot say that I would take it back, for I am not certain where I would be today had I never found that hotel room receipt.

    For so long, I wondered what my life would be like had I stayed. The meaning seemed to drain from my world so suddenly – I contemplated whether keeping him around would have salvaged any of it. Perhaps I wouldn’t be in the bathtub, staring at the ceiling, catching my breath in my throat and willing it to stay there until I found peace.

    Or perhaps if I laid there forever, I would wake up and see that it was all just a terrible dream.

    Two years have passed since the day we said “I do.” 730 days of incredible journey filled with hardship, anguish, joy, and laughter.

    Last night, I looked through some pictures I found of him on Facebook against my better judgment. He was with his new girlfriend in all of the shots.

    Strangely, I did not feel jealous or angry, or even very sad. I looked into the screen without want or vengeance, and saw a carbon copy of the life that I had. The life that I thought I wanted.

    They stood in the same poses. Visited all the same places. The only part of the images that had changed was the girl.

    I could almost hear him feeding her the same sweet promises – telling her she’s beautiful in the sincere way that he always knew how to. Touching her in the same places, calling her by the same names.

    It was startling to realize. To finally understand that no matter what I did, he was always going to live this life. And for him, it was enough.

    I couldn’t help but wonder – did I really help to create our life together, or was it some prearranged journey of his, for which I was only along for the ride? Was any of it true? A single moment?

    I supposed it did not matter anymore.

    My life is so much more now than I ever imagined it could be. I have lived more in the past two years than the previous twenty-three.

    In a way, he gave me the life I never thought I could have. The life I never thought I was good enough for, or more intimidatingly – brave enough for. He pushed me down and taught me to stand – though I am sure this was not his intention.

    Today, I am everything he never thought I was. His end was the start of the woman I was meant to be. It may be an imperfect mess of a woman, but it’s one who appreciates life more than most.

    I do not know whether I will find anyone who will love me the way I thought he did. It may never happen.

    But two years after our wedding day, I would rather be on this side of the fence.

    Today, I am full of life
    I am open to so many possibilities.
    So many dreams I never dared to dream.
    Today, I am brave enough.
    And I am free.

    free

    image by Bougie Photography
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    About

    I'm a 25-year-old ex-wife who spends most of her time cooking and chasing silly men around.

    18 Responses to Two.

    1. Kristin
      March 5, 2013 at 9:28 am

      You are so awesome lady :) now please publish your book!

      • April 14, 2013 at 9:35 pm

        I agree! I’m looking forward to a book by RingFingerTanLine! The first of a incredible series.

    2. Alena
      March 5, 2013 at 10:55 am

      Thank you for this today of all days. Having a difficult time with my ex-husband lately and am cherishing the final thoughts of this blog. Keep it up, girl.

    3. March 5, 2013 at 11:02 am

      This is so touching. I love your writing.

    4. Megan
      March 5, 2013 at 12:03 pm

      I don’t have an ex husband. But I have my child’s father. Who left us both. My son will be three in just a few weeks. And I’ve spent the last three years, more considering the pregnancy, telling myself I didn’t deserve any number of things I could find the words for. And Ive just recently realized that him leaving our committed long term relationship was the last straw in me standing up. You put into words a number of emotions that I feel but cannot pin point. So thank you and congratulations on standing up and being brave and most of all writing this blog that help me with my struggles.

    5. Meg
      March 5, 2013 at 3:18 pm

      Light and love — you’re awesome.

    6. Amber H.
      March 5, 2013 at 4:58 pm

      A few weeks ago I caught a glimpse of my ex husband on a random site and all I felt was… nausea, icky, etc. Not one ounce of regret. He gave me all the things your ex husband gave you. Nothing could be better in my eyes, than the life I have now.

    7. Shelly
      March 5, 2013 at 6:28 pm

      What a beautiful realization of YOU! It doesn’t matter if you ever meet someone who you think loves you like him. He will love you BETTER, DEEPER AND WITH HIS HEART. I know cause I had a he come into my life and do that magic of “this is how it’s supposed to be” with me. The strength you have now, was hidden before you always had it. The intelligence you always had, just like that loving and giving heart, YOU take the credit for yourself, never give that away!

    8. Amy
      March 5, 2013 at 10:13 pm

      I just want to tell what a sense of hope reading your blog gives me. You have a wonderful way with words and things that you have said have brought for me a sense of peace too. I am approaching my two year mark to the end of may marriage and I have had so many of the same thoughts that you shared. Thank you for being brave and sharing your wise words. It helps me and I am sure other woman to know they are not alone.

    9. March 5, 2013 at 10:42 pm

      Your last five lines really resonate with me. I married in December 2011 and five months later I walked out the door. There were so many things about my wife that I only discovered after we said, “I do”. After almost a year of treatment for depression, I realize that there are so many possibilities ahead of me, so much life to live, and so many dreams to chase. It took a marriage that never should have happened to put me on the right course. Thank you for sharing your story and your journey (and the great recipes!).

    10. March 8, 2013 at 10:35 pm

      Rock on with your bad self woman. I love how you express yourself and I hope you can feel the strength that all of us reading are sending you.

    11. March 10, 2013 at 4:53 am

      I’m so glad you found a voice and yourself through this blog, and I must say it’s amazing. And I’m sure you’ll find your happiness soon, not that you haven’t already. Stay strong! :)

    12. Joanna
      April 1, 2013 at 10:41 am

      This was a beautiful and strong post Laura. You should be very proud of yourself- go girl!

      • Laura
        April 1, 2013 at 11:57 am

        Thanks, Joanna! Miss you lady!

    13. Stacey
      April 7, 2013 at 2:25 am

      Wow. I’m 22 and got divorced in November (we’ve been split since last April). You nailed everything I’ve felt.. thank you for sharing.

    14. Kara
      April 9, 2013 at 8:31 pm

      Wow…this gives me so much hope. I’m two months into my separation, inevitably headed for divorce…and I hope I come out on the other side as happy and satisfied as you are!

    15. Hector
      July 16, 2013 at 2:33 pm

      Wonderfully touching. Thank you for sharing.

    16. Roo
      July 31, 2013 at 1:57 pm

      I love this blog! I am on the same boat…arranged marriage at 29…married for 7 months…2.5 yrs long divorce process…and now I am 33 and alone. For 7 months of fraudulent marriage….I am labeled as a “divorcee” and just find it hard to even go out….forget about dates! I can’t believe how one bad, misinformed decision can completely change your life…and feels completely out of control.

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