I often find it difficult to measure time in any kind of unit that matters. It’s funny how the things we choose to forget can seem so distant for so long. That is until one day, something pulls us to look back.
Two days ago, the flusher broke off of my toilet. Repairing anything plumbing-related seemed a little daunting (if you tried to open the bottom three drawers in the chest I assembled, you would understand exactly where my handyman skills fall on the spectrum), but I took the same attitude that I have for a while now and decided I would figure it out. There was no other option.
A trip to Home Depot and an hour later, I was sobbing into the tank of my toilet, surrounded by an unnecessary amount of pink power tools and rogue pieces of both old and new toilet flushers. It was one of those moments you decide that no one ever really needs to know about.
Unless, of course, you’re like me and have lost all sense of shame anyway.
Eventually, I took a few deep breaths and fixed the toilet myself. But something about the sense of accomplishment felt sad.
I knew that I could do it. I knew that I could figure it out on my own, and I did.
But I didn’t want to have to anymore.
Standing in front of my now operational toilet, it occurred to me that it has been nearly a year and a half since I have been in a committed relationship with something other than a spatula or a bottle of wine.
It’s not that I don’t thoroughly enjoy my life, or that I want a boyfriend for the sake of having a boyfriend. I suppose I just thought that something wonderful would happen by now.
A year and a half later, I can’t remember how it felt when my ex-husband touched me anymore. It may as well have been another lifetime, or someone else’s life. It is frightening to be so uncertain of when I will be reminded what that kind of love feels like.
I enjoy being single, but there comes a time when all you really want to do is make breakfast on Sunday morning, and have someone waiting back in bed to share it with. I just hope that person is close. And also enjoys bacon.