The Loneliest Town
by Laura • October 21, 2012 • Divorce & Break-Ups, Love & Dating, Sex & Dating, Uncategorized • 13 Comments
I’m sitting alone in a dark living room at the center of the universe – New York City. All is still and it seems as if time has stopped for a while. The city hums quietly outside the window reminding me that it hasn’t. It speaks to me, telling me that even though I feel frozen inside, stuck in an emotion, spending all morning trying and failing to articulate exactly what that feeling might be, the world continues to move. I am simply standing still in the center of the motion, choosing not to embrace it.
This is how I imagine everyone feels in New York some days. Insignificant in the grand scheme, when everything going on around you seems so much grander. But even in New York, not everything turns out to be so grand. It’s the home of failures and successes alike. But in preface to both of those, it’s a city of hope.
I had many hopes for this trip. I hoped that I would find a job. Get to spend time with my friends. Explore the city. And see one very specific boy.
It has been quite some time since I’ve cared enough to write down how I feel about a romantic situation. Mostly because it’s not often that I care. I don’t usually feel a connection to someone, and when I do, I am terrified of writing about it. Hell, I am terrified of moving. Breathing. Doing whatever it is that I do to fuck everything up. Because the only thing I know for certain when I meet someone special is that I will somehow fuck this up.
And I did.
I met this guy a while back, and for the third time in my life, I felt something crazy. An inexplicable gut reaction that he was someone important. Significant. It didn’t make sense to me at the time, and it still doesn’t now. It even sounds weird to say it out loud – I’m almost embarrassed to acknowledge it. But the first time I had this feeling, I ended up married. The second time, I met someone I still revert back to, even after a year. So I knew enough to trust that he was special. To trust that we’d meet again, and even if it wasn’t love, it would be something meaningful. Something that changed me.
But it wasn’t.
He lives in New York, and I told him we should meet up this weekend while I’m in town. We didn’t coordinate well enough on Friday night, and didn’t get to see each other. Neither of us was happy about it. The next morning he told me he wished that I was there. I did, too. We promised to plan better that night and spend all day being lazy together on Sunday. I felt relieved. Excited. I knew that things would work themselves out when I saw him. Because they had to.
But Sunday never happened. I still don’t really understand why. But here I am, spending my Sunday wandering the streets and trying to understand what I did wrong. Everything I do seems only half real, because this is not my Sunday. This is an alternate universe where everything that could have gone wrong did. Where I lost him before I even saw him again. Where I said something wrong. Where I put myself out there. Where I got blown off.
After all I have been through, I just don’t understand. All I asked for is one fucking day. One day to spend with someone who gives me butterflies. How do I not deserve one day?
It isn’t so much him that upsets me as the hope he represented to me. The hope that I could be happy and comfortable with someone, if only for a few hours. And I know it’s silly to be so sad about someone I hardly knew. But I’m a silly girl.
The funny thing is that while all of this was happening, a guy from my past showed up. We went out once a long time ago, had fun, and I was very surprised and disappointed when he never followed up. I liked him, but I got over it. And now, here he was. Living in New York. Asking me out again and again, begging for another chance.
It seems that timing is my enemy these days. Because I can’t go back and change getting over someone, and I can’t change that someone got over me. Perhaps I’m more ready for a new love than I thought I was. But it seems that love is not yet ready for me.
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Wow, this feeling you describe feels so familiar. I had a similar situation once. A guy that just seemed so significant and important to me for no apparent reason. A guy that gave me the biggest butterflies and had me thinking he felt the same way. Then he just stopped being there. Just poof. Gone. I never knew why. I still don’t. But all I know is that for some reason it hurt me more than he will ever know. But I got through it. And now, looking back, I am so glad that we are not together. He told my friend once that “I was the one that got away.” Well, he let me get away. And I’m sure glad he did.
I have a feeling you will feel this way about him someday too. That you are glad you got away. Because people who are that inconsiderate of you and your feelings are not worth your time. I’ve never even met you and I know you are a catch. You desserve someone who makes you feel every bit as special and amazing as you are.
It’s funny how certain people just leave an impression on you, even if they don’t necessarily merit it. I’m glad when I write these crazy things down that other people can relate to them. Sometimes I think I am just fucking insane for feeling certain things. Then I see you guys all tell me your own similar stories and I feel so much better!
Its not you rftl, I’d bet dollars to donuts he has a gf.
You’ll find someone awesome (I recognize that sounds trite). As Mr Miyagi once said “you must let the fly come to your chopsticks”
#doubthesaidthatbutyougettheidea
also, ah says “Mr. Miyagi knows two things, fish and karate”
Who knows. I think he really did want to see me, but on his own terms. He wanted me to come running at 4am, which just wasn’t happening. Oh well. There are plenty of men in NYC!
Feeling exactly the same way about a guy I thought I was going to be seeing on a trip home next weekend, and it’s rapidly looking like we won’t be seeing each other–also for reasons I don’t really understand. Timing is the worst, but I’m just trying to keep the faith, like you. It’s hard, though.
Good luck! Men are so fickle sometimes. But then again, I can be, too. Timing really is everything. You never know the pressures on someone else’s life. You just have to do your best to understand that it may not be because of something you did, but because of something that is out of your control.
I’ve been reading your posts for a while now– I was divorced at 30 after a 6 year marriage and was completely lost for a while. I had to completely reinvent myself and I must say, 2 years later, that I love the person that I am and the life that I am leading. It’s better than anything I had in my marriage.
I live in Manhattan, so I’m sad to hear about this weekend, it’s too bad because I was out all day yesterday watching football and meeting cute guys, you could have joined me and my friends! haha…. and it’s easier said than done, but don’t let this guy’s actions get you down…NYC men are a RARE breed– they can be distant and cocky and insensitive….Behavior like what happened to you is commonplace here, so don’t take it personally! That’s the best part of being in NYC, if there’s one boy who’s terrible, there’s 3 million others waiting to take his place!
So sorry to hear about what you went through. It’s easy to get lost when the whole world you knew kind of just crumbles. But you sound like someone who really found herself in the rubble, and I like to think that I am, too!
And you are totally right. As soon as I snapped out of my moapy mindset, I opened my eyes to a city of men. Not that anything happened – but it’s nice to dream of the possibilities when I finally make it up there!
Stay safe in the storm!
Dear Laura, I just started reading your blog and I must say I am so sorry to hear of all the pain you go through!
I hope that things are better now. You write beautifully by the way!
I’m sorry that that stupid boy didn’t meet you – I know that you are worth much better! Timing sucks, but somehow I just know that you’ll be glad that this day didn’t work out because there’s someone better for you.
Take care!
Thank you! Timing really is the big issue at hand. And you know what? It’s going to be for the best. You are totally right.
It always just sucks to go through men like water while nothing is working out. But I know that in the end, I will find someone really great for me.
I just discovered your blog, and boy am I glad that i did. What a refreshing voice you have. Sorry for the struggles you are going through. I am glad that you have an outlet through which you can express them–you have a gift for writing and I really look forward to reading more of it:)
Thanks so much! Glad you found me
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