Fall Flourish
by Laura • October 10, 2012 • Divorce & Break-Ups, Fashion, Home & Beauty • 22 Comments
[tank & blazer - aritzia, tights - the gap, shoes - dsw, skirt - express, layered necklaces - swarovski, bag - longchamp]
At the time when I started Ring Finger Tan Line, I was sad. Consistently, profoundly sad. Almost incurably so.
Just weeks before my first post, I made the choice to end my marriage. It took me two months to decide, but once my mind was made up, I could not pretend for a second longer - I had to leave. Not tomorrow. Not even tonight. Right now.
I remember coming home from the counseling center that day. I called my husband on the way and asked him to come over from his separate apartment. He said he was nervous. I was, too.
I opened the door to my balcony while I waited for him. The outside air was beautiful, and the way it surrounded me gave me a sense of hope I hadn’t felt yet. As if the wind was gently nudging me to say the words that were fighting to get out.
When he arrived, I was strangely at peace. Serene in the calm before the storm. The soft melodies of Iron & Wine filled the room as he walked in. He asked who it was. We never did have the same taste in music.
There was a strength in my presence that was new. Still vulnerable and a little uncertain, but more than either of us had expected. We gazed at each other without a word, and it was in that moment I knew that he knew why I had asked him to come.
Whisking me up from the couch, he wrapped me in his arms. His touch was tender, more so than ever before. He held my hand in his, and buried his head in my shoulder. And without a single sound, we began to dance. Slowly, deliberately. Savoring each other like it was the last time we’d ever touch. Because somewhere down inside, we both knew that it was.
He held me lovingly, without hope or agenda. He knew there was nothing more he could do to make me stay. But somehow, for both of us, it was enough to just be. To feel the depth of love we still had for each other. To recognize its beauty. And as Iron & Wine sang to us softly, I knew that he appreciated me more than ever before. Because he knew exactly what he was losing.
When the song was over, we sat on the floor. I wept openly, in a way I had never experienced before. The kind of tears that result from both of your pain, because at the end of the day, I loved him more than one should love. I could feel what he felt, and my heart broke for his as I told him what he already knew.
That he wasn’t willing to work hard enough to stop the cheating.
That I couldn’t take the risk.
That I could never bring a child into the world with him knowing the chances that this might happen again.
That it was over. For good.
A few weeks later, I wrote down how I felt on the internet. It was before most people even knew what had happened. To me, it was a private struggle, but the anonymity of a blog allowed me to express exactly how I felt in a way that I wasn’t ready to say to anyone aloud. It gave me the strength to put myself out there. To be exposed. Even if nobody knew who I was.
And then, something amazing happened. I started getting comments, emails, messages. Women who were young, who were broken. Strong, beautiful women who came out on the other side. Men, too. People who could relate to what I wrote, who had been through the same. Some, much worse. People who loved me, but had no clue who I was. People whose own struggles were helped by reading my words, and simply knowing that someone else felt the things they felt. That somewhere in the universe, someone understood them. That’s when I knew this was something special.
Something wonderful.
I’ve spent most of my time as a blogger hiding behind other people’s photos, because I was scared. Scared that people would find me and take away my honesty. Learn things about me that I didn’t want them to know. But gradually, the guise is dropping. The people I was scared of finding my blog have already found it.
Hi, Dad. Hi, guy I hooked up with and never called back. Hi pseudo-boss who thinks I don’t know he reads my blog. Surprise – I know.
And somehow, I don’t care anymore, because this is who I am. I have come a long way in the past year, and far too far to keep hiding myself.
So here I am. Modeling for my own blog, just as the rest of the blog world does. For once, unashamed.
And I daresay – I might even look a little happy.
[florals in flowers]
[a more subtle take on pink + purple]
[perfect for chilly weather]
[layered necklaces]
[from happy hour to night out]
[booties, booties, booties]
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Laura,
You are such an amazing writer. Your posts like this always bring me to tears. I think one of the things that makes people so connected to your blog is that we have all experienced pain, in one way or another. Even if it is not in the same way you have, we all know in some way, the feelings you describe here. And reading this brings it up a little bit, in a beautiful way.
It is so liberating to say to the world, “Hello, this is exactly who I am. I’m not going to hide it anymore.” This is a difficult thing to do. I have been working really hard on it. But I know it is necessary to find true happiness.
Girl you are gorgeous! Thanks for sharing some pictures of yourself!
xoxo,
Kristin
Thank you so much, Kristin! I am so glad I’m not the only one crying at my posts, haha. It’s nice to be able to connect to others and make them feel understood, even when the situation is not identical.
And there will be more pictures to come!
You always put into words exactly what I have felt. I too was married to a cheating husband and found the courage to leave him a week after the birth of my third child. I am now remarried to a wonderful man that adores me and my girls. You are adorable, and it comes through in your writing. Love reading your blog. You are fabulous!
Thank you so much for your kind words! I am so sorry for what happened to you and your girls, but I am so glad you’ve ended up in a beautiful place. It gives me such hope that I will, too!
I just started following your blog and after reading this post, I realize how unfortunate I am to not have stumbled upon it sooner! Love your writing–and you are beautiful! Stay strong!
Thanks so much, Mimi! And welcome to the RFTL family
You look hopeful and lovely and strong. Keep on keepin’ on . . . I know good things are afoot. xo
thank you, doll
You look absolutely stunning and truly happy! … And you deserve every second of it! Your courage to share your thoughts and feelings on your blog is incredible and you’ve been such an inspiration! Continue to keep sharing!
Thanks so much! I will keep sharing, it’s such a rewarding experience that I never even imagined possible
Hi babe, its good to see you smile
Thanks, Dad
I am SO happy I found your blog, it’s fabulous and so are you!! Where did you get the necklaces that you’re wearing in the post above???? I WANT THEM!! xoxo
Thanks! I got all of the necklaces at Swarovski (accumulated over the years – not all at once!)
The fuschia & gold one is here – https://www.google.com/search?oq=swarovski+nuts+fuschia+necklace&sugexp=chrome,mod=1&sourceid=chrome&ie=UTF-8&q=swarovski+nuts+fuschia+necklace#q=swarovski+nuts+fuschia+necklace&hl=en&prmd=imvns&source=lnms&tbm=shop&sa=X&ei=joh9UNG4JMXk2QXQw4HQDw&ved=0CA4Q_AUoBQ&bav=on.2,or.r_gc.r_pw.r_cp.r_qf.&fp=75ca32bd53287125&bpcl=35277026&biw=1680&bih=845
Green one here – http://www.buycrystaljewellery.com/Swarovski-Pendants/Lea-Emerald-Pendant-p-364.html
The one with 2 drops – http://www1.macys.com/shop/product/swarovski-necklace-lunar-crystal-double-drop-pendant?ID=562601
And the silver one is actually just a purple pendant that I turned backwards.
Glad you won the supper thingee, so I found your blog. I’m an absurdly sad divorce story too — 20 years of marriage he trashed so he could be with his married, former h.s. girlfriend. Not sure when it gets better; it’s been 5 yrs for me and I’m still very messed up but maybe that’s because I’m older and there’s fewer possibilities. But I love your optimism and that you do this. Thanks for the great writing and the smile. Oh, and the recipe.
Lisa (& Laura-rftl),
I was married too for 18 years, 364 days to a chronic cheater/bully/liar/sociopath…but whom I had four great beautiful children with. Ladies I feel your pain so much!!!
I found you via Pinterest and your crazy arsed Sweet & Spicy carmelized onion BBQ grilled cheese….of course you’re in Austin….I’m north of Fort Worth! Have to say I’m going to make this tomorrow but with some Sweet Babby Rays Q sauce!!!
It has been exactly 7 years for me and I’m 50 too but I will say the good days outweigh the bad ones now! It sounds petty but my toughest issue is having to do it ALL on my own with him owing over $33k in child support…although that also means we have zero contact with him & that is a blessing worth any gold in the world.
Being hurt and losing trust in the very people that said they loved you is something many of us end up walking around with daily in this world. I find it nice to know of kindered souls such as yourself who have the balls to put your feelings into words and say what many of us are feeling or experiencing on a given day. Not that its just a big ol’ bitchfest pityparty but just to know you’re not the only one.
Thank you and Im glad to have come across you!
Kim
I’m a Dallas girl by birth, and I LOVE Sweet Baby Ray’s! Delicious.
I can’t believe your ex owes so much child support. That is astonishing. But so impressive that you have been strong enough to do it all on your own. There is really something to be said for the power of a clean break. It really does make it much easier to move on with your life.
Stay strong and keep reading!
Anytime! I hope that you can find some comfort knowing you aren’t the only one with bad days. It’s a completely different situation when you’re older, so I can’t pretend to know how you feel – but it seems like you’ve got some good karma headed your way. Stay strong!
I’m glad to know I’m not the only one out there. I’m 24 years old and I was married for a little over 6 years to my first and only boyfriend. My divorce was finalized last week.
We spent half of our marriage debating whether or not to split up and he finally started proceedings this year. It was not my decision but he felt our problems were too vast to overcome. There was no cheating, etc. Nothing horrible… which in a way makes accepting this all the more difficult.
I am working on a master’s degree in college and all the people around me are beginning their lives. I feel like I’m ending a large part of it (we were together almost 10 years). I’ve had a hard time coping with this because I feel very alone and without friends. Most of my time and energy was spent on my marriage and my education so naturally, friends are not aplenty. I have a very very small support system so I was very glad to stumble upon your blog. I feel guilty and sadness that this is the way my marriage ended because I hate “failing” at anything.
I believe I loved him more and appreciated him more. He’s a good man and a decent one at that, but over the years he came to adopt the “feelings are weakness” mantra. Of course, this drove us apart. How can you be married and be unwilling to feel and be vulnerable with the person you are supposed to love most.
Either way, I am coping day by day and I truly, sincerely hope it gets better. Your blog gives me hope that it will. Many, many thanks.
- D
Wow. What a lot of living you have done at such a young age. I can totally see how acceptance is different when there isn’t a clear violation of the marriage. But it takes a lot of strength to be honest with yourself about what is happening and what you both need to be happy.
I really hope you don’t feel alone much longer. I felt that way, too, but it just isn’t the case. So many women our age stop by here and share their stories. And we all make it out on the other side. You will, too.
You should go back in the archives – there are a lot of posts in the “divorce” category that I wrote while going through the same kind of depression you are likely in now. They may help on a lonely night when you just don’t think anyone understands.
Here are some good ones to start with:
http://www.ringfingertanline.com/2011/12/12/out-with-the-new-last-name-in-with-the-old/
http://www.ringfingertanline.com/2012/01/25/love-lost/
http://www.ringfingertanline.com/2012/02/28/a-letter-to-future-ex-wives/
Thanks so much for the links. It’s good to know that you have been able to move forward in a positive direction; I hope with all of my heart that I am able to as well. I’m moving out at the end of the month and I’m scared to death about being alone after spending nearly 10 of my 24 years with someone.
I read the post from your book you’re writing and it’s very well written! I hope you succeed in publishing it because I know a lot of women could benefit from hearing your story. There aren’t many 24 year old ex-wives with no children out there and finding resources to help with that particular situation are very scarce. All the best!
- DF
Wow – you have got some tough times ahead, but also some really amazing times. If I can do it, so can you!