• Ode to the Flagship Whole Foods

    by  • June 26, 2012 • Uncategorized • 5 Comments

    This Saturday morning, I was feeling particularly unashamed. Which, if you know me, is fairly unsurprising.

    So after my workout, without bothering to shower, I proceeded to lug my enormous camera across the street to one of my very favorite places. A place of wonder, watermelons, and magical delight. A place where all my foodie dreams come true. And incidentally, my wallet mysteriously lightens.

    The flagship Whole Foods.

    Here is the truck outside where tourists sit to take pictures. I kind of judge them while they do it, but on the inside, I’m a little jealous.

    You had better believe I would be in this photo if there wasn’t a 90% chance my camera would get stolen during self-timer mode.

    Here is the stereotypical tiny patch of cacti sitting outside of a Texas grocery store.

    This was also the first location where I was stopped by an employee who probably thought I stole my camera.

    “Um… do you need something, ma’am?” No thanks. I’d just like to photograph your cacti. I promise I look like I can afford this camera after a shower.

    Here are the herbs that remain in impeccable condition throughout their time at Whole Foods, then proceed to shrivel and die within a few hours of their arrival at my apartment.

    They call me plant killer.

    I call them delicious.

    Here is a tiny patch of the flower-lover’s paradise inside. For anyone taking notes, the peonies are my favorites and can be delivered to either my office or apartment. I’m not picky.

    Here is a picture of corn. It’s looking particularly American, though it contains neither red, nor white, nor blue.


    This is how Whole Foods rolls. A beautifully arranged wall of fresh, crisp, amazing produce that makes you want to impulse purchase broccoli. Bet your five-year-old self never thought they’d see the day.

    More overpriced produce, gleaming in the morning light, convincing me that it’s worth $4/lb. Sneaky little bastards.

    I’m not sure what this man’s job is, but if he just gets to smell spices all day, I might be interested in switching. Unless he doesn’t get a lunch break, which would just be cruel since all of the spice sniffing probably makes him very hungry.

    I once told myself I would buy salmon from here unless it was over double the price of the salmon at HEB. At which point I got really pissed off, because I had to go back to HEB. But boy, does the salmon look prettier here.

    Here is the counter where you will find many single men stalking the next victim of their poolside grill. Also known as the place I’ll be hanging out now that I realize this.

    This is the bar. Which incidentally is the best deal in the entire store – $6.50 for three nearly-full glasses of wine or champagne. Not that I hang out in grocery store bars a lot…

    You can also bring in refillable containers to get wine on tap.

    Go ahead. Pretend you haven’t dreamed of seeing these two words juxtaposed for years. What could be better than gouda in palooza form?

    If you’re not drooling, I don’t want to be your friend. Unless you’re lactose intolerant, in which case I am truly sorry.

    I will agree to be your friend as long as you take those pills that let you eat cheese anyway.

    A small peek at the assortment of fresh-baked bread. Which has in recent months manifested itself as the extra five pounds on my hips.

    Here is a tiny part of the pre-made food selection. It’s very difficult to shop in this store without a billion dollars to spend. Or nose plugs.

    This is the beginning of “candy island.” Though it sounds like a name I would totally make up, it’s the real name of this section. And it’s pretty accurate. Except for the island part, which I don’t really get.

    And island of candy amidst an ocean of… other food?

    I don’t even know what these are. I just want them to get in my mouth as soon as possible. I won’t ask questions.

    You can always tell how much your co-workers like you based on what birthday cake you get. It’s this or sheet cake. There’s no in between. Brutal world out there.

    Finally, I leave you with the newest addition to Whole Foods: the artisan cookie bar.

    You may lose $9.99… but you gain a pound of love.

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    I'm a 25-year-old ex-wife who spends most of her time cooking and chasing silly men around.

    5 Responses to Ode to the Flagship Whole Foods

    1. June 27, 2012 at 10:16 am

      I’ve only ever been into a Whole Foods once! It was WONDERFUL! At the time I was on my way somewhere otherwise you can bet your life I would have lost a lot of money at the Pre-Made Deli area. The closest one to me is like an hour and a half away! Sad I know!

      • Ring Finger Tan Line
        July 9, 2012 at 11:57 pm

        So sad! But probably better for your wallet 😉

    2. July 2, 2012 at 10:51 pm

      I’m truly salivating with that last picture! Everything does always look better in Whole Food (at least, very fresh) I also like Central Market.

      • Ring Finger Tan Line
        July 10, 2012 at 12:02 am

        So many cookies!!!! I really wanted them tonight, but I restrained myself to a piece of leftover cheesecake. I’m a great dieter. HA!

    3. July 17, 2013 at 5:42 pm

      Adorable post! Thank you for sharing your wit and (food) wisdom with the world. Love it. Went to WF while at UT — to visit. (Too expensive for college girl.) I think I may try it again… if only for the wine bar. :)

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