Written by Kinzie, the better-looking and far superior version of her RFTL mom
[you see what I mean?]
Okay, listen up. My mom is pretty cool and all, but lately we’ve been in a fight. She took away my favorite pink chew shoe because she said she needed to wear it to work. As if anyone looks at her dumb ass shoes.
Anyway, the point is that the bitch took my shoe and I’m pissed. So I took her blog, and I am here to tell you a few things about mommy dearest, and why I sometimes consider her to be an enormous idiot.
1. She makes my hair look dumb. I have places to go and people to impress, you imbecile.
[no one is going to take me seriously with a fucking mow hawk]
2. She closes the bedroom door when she leaves, as if I’m meant to do my napping on this cheap ass fucking dog bed. Dog beds are for poor dogs and ugly dogs, mom. I have a sensitive back that requires memory foam.
[you will pay for this]
3. Sometimes, she makes me dress up like Santa’s little helper. However, since she is too cheap to buy my taller frame a new santa suit, I look like a hell of a lot like an elf hooker. Now I know my ass is fucking adorable, but if you’re putting me in a dress, at least attempt to give me some modesty. It’s like she thinks I will be prowling the streets looking for suitors. Please, mom. I’m not you.
[you can’t buy me a bigger size once a year, asshole?]
Obvi, I could list a lot of other stupid shit my idiot mother pulls on a daily basis. But since I’m getting hungry and it took me like seven hours to type this with my paws, I’ll leave it at three.
And just because I know she will be totally pissed when she reads this, I will say that she has her good points. She lets me lick her face in the mornings and has given me like seven bunny toys because I love ripping them apart. She also picks up all of my shit, and you know that means love. I love you, mom. I just wish you would give me my fucking shoe back.